TimKesten.com

I don’t know much about reindeer, but from what I do know, they seem like elitist jerks. Just because Rudolph had a physical difference, the other reindeer called him names and wouldn’t let him play in their games. I would assume soccer would be one of those games, since deer, rein or otherwise, lack opposable thumbs. Even then, throw-ins would become a problem. Maybe they played hide and seek. Either way, I can’t imagine they played football or basketball or baseball or any other sport worth while. Anyway, if I was Rudolph and Santa and the other jerks came to me for help after I had endured their abuse, I would have told them to get lost. Or, if I did help them, I would have held it over their heads forever.

Donner: What did you do this weekend?

Blitzen: Another game of hide and seek. You?

Donner: Prancer and I played bocce ball.

Rudolph: Wow that sounds great, guys! Hey, you know what that reminds me of? That time you were all screwed until I showed up and saved all your sorry asses! All right, good talk. I’m out.

Blitzen: I’m so sick of that guy.

Donner: We should have just stolen the fog lights from Dancer’s Honda.

I can’t imagine Key deer behaving this way, they seem much more tolerant and inclusive. This is yet another reason why Florida is better than the North Pole.

After 20 months and 20 million dollars, George Mitchell’s investigation into the use of performance enhancing substances in baseball is finished. Mitchell’s report concludes that the use of steroids and human growth hormone was widespread. 20 million dollars. For that? If anyone else is in the market for someone to tell them something they already knew, my services are available, at much more reasonable prices.

Mitchell’s report names names, some very big names, and there is a lot of testimony, paper trails and other finger pointing, but not much else. Very few of the accusations could be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. The report did not clear anything up. If anything it made things more hazy, and now hundreds of players who played in the so-called “steroid era” are guilty by association. It will be almost impossible for anyone who is suspected of illegal activity to prove their innocence. How do you prove that you never did something? Do we expect the accused to account for every moment of the last twenty years and tell us what they were doing instead of taking drugs (“…and on Januray 17th 1997 at 5:32 I wasn’t taking HGH because I was walking my dog”)?

One question that the Mitchell report leaves unanswered is this: why didn’t the players who were clean say something? At very least I would think some frustrated minor league player would have, at some point said, “Hey! I’m doing this the right way and can’t catch a break because everyone else is cheating!” If I were a pitcher in the era when the likes of Brady Anderson and Greg Vaughn were hitting 50 homeruns in a season, I would have said something. It would have gone something like, “Forget about the fraternity, I am tired of getting shelled.”

Some players, such as Steve Finley, claim that they did not know that others were using steroids and HGH. I’m not buying it. I spend considerably less time around my coworkers than a Major League Baseball player, and I have a pretty good idea of who uses illegal substances and who does not. Things slip out. Maybe somebody wants to know if you also use them. In the case of baseball, players had to be asking for someone’s advice before getting involved. They weren’t just asking their trainers. I would imagine that when players started looking like linebackers and hitting five hundred foot homeruns, their teammates might have asked them their secret. They may have said, “hard work and clean living”, but I doubt it. For years baseball players did a horrible job of hiding the rampant use of amphetamines in the sport from the public. I doubt they tried much harder to conceal this from each other.

On the eve of the Heisman trophy presentation, we finally know who will be making the trip to New York. So, who’s going to take home the award? Honestly, I don’t know. Nothing would surprise me at this point. Tim Tebow seems to be the favorite, having taken home both the Maxwell award and Davey O’Brien award last night, although Darren McFadden was named the player of the year by the Walter Camp Foundation, and is hardly an underdog.

Obviously, all four finalists have impressive statistics, but statistics alone do not win the Heisman. Numbers have to be aided by adherence to the unofficial Heisman rules. A player’s class, conference, record and other factors are given consideration; whether they should or not is an entirely different conversation. In alphabetical order, here are the resumes of those who will be in attendance at the Downtown Athletic club and how those unofficial rules will affect their chances.

Colt Brennan, QB, Hawaii

The Statistical Argument: Of the three quarterbacks nominated, Brennan is tops in completion percentage (71.4), touchdown passes (38), and passing yards (4,174). However, his 14 interceptions are also the most of the group.

The Unofficial Rules… both help and hurt his cause. Brennan is undefeated this year, something none of the other candidates can claim. A player’s record matters most to the Heisman committee when that player is a quarterback. This would help his cause much more if he did not play in the WAC, which is not a BCS conference. His “Heisman moment” came in the last game of the regular season, as he threw five touchdown passes, compiled 442 yards, completed 42 of 50 passes, and did not throw an interception while leading the Warriors back from a 21 point deficit in a win over Washington. He is a senior and has an impressive body of work from previous years including holding the NCAA record for most career touchdowns. A “life time achievement” Heisman isn’t out of the question.

Chase Daniel, QB, Missouri

The Statistical Argument: Daniel’s 4,170 passing yards, 69.7 passing percentage, and 33 touchdowns are all among the seven best in the country. Though he threw 10 interceptions, he attempted 534 passes. No one who attempted as many passes threw fewer interceptions, and his average of 53.4 pass attempts per interception is the best of the three quarterbacks.

The Unofficial Rules… mostly help Daniel. He plays in a BCS conference and is a junior. His only two losses came to Big 12 conference champ Oklahoma and he was one game away from starting at quarterback in the national championship. The Big 12 championship game could have been his Heisman moment, but he came up short, and that will likely hurt his chances of winning the trophy.

Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas

The Statistical Argument: McFadden rushed for 1,725 yards, the fourth most in the country. He also averaged 5.7 yard per carry, while playing in the SEC, arguably the best conference in the country. His 15 rushing touchdowns were the most in that conference by a running back. Taking many snaps in a single back formation, he also threw four touchdown passes.

The Unofficial Rules… probably boost McFadden’s chances more than any of the other players in this group. Playing in a BCS conference as a junior doesn’t hurt. Coming second in last year’s Heisman voting helps. Running for 206 yards and three touchdowns, while throwing a touchdown pass against then number one LSU in the final game of his season may have sealed it.

Tim Tebow, QB, Florida

The Statistical Argument: Tebow is the only quarterback in NCAA history to both rush for 20 touchdowns and throw for 20 touchdowns. He holds the SEC record for rushing touchdowns at any position. He passed for 3,132 yards, while completing 68.5% of his passes. His completion percentage and 29 touchdown passes are in the top ten nationally and his 177.85 efficiency rating is second in the nation.

The Unofficial Rules… hurt Tebow for the most part. Tebow plays in a BCS conference, but his three losses in that conference are too much for some voters to overlook. That Tebow is a sophomore is his second strike. No sophomore has ever won the award, even though there have been some deserving candidates. Like one Darren McFadden in 2007.

Not much hype is being given to the Autozone Liberty Bowl, featuring Mississippi State versus Central Florida, but I think it is one of the more intruging non-BCS game this year. Kevin Smith of UCF leads the nation in rushing yards. Mississippi State held Arkansas’ Darren McFadden to 88 rushing yards and no touchdowns and held Tulane’s Matt Forte (2,127 rushing yards this year) to 47 rushing yards. Smith, for whatever reason, has been largely ignored by the post season awards. He was not nominated for the Doak Walker award, given to the nations best running back, let alone the Heisman , despite his impressive statistics. If Smith can accomplish what either Forte or McFadden could not, this game could prove how overlooked Smith really has been.

June Jones is nuts. I understand that he is probably tired of people calling Colt Brennan a “system quarteback.” A coach should support his players (by the way, does anyone else think it’s weird that he never calls Brennan by name, only “my quarterback?). However, I do not think it was necessary to belittle Florida’s Tim Tebow in order to do so. The last person to call out Tebow publicly was Florida State’s Geno Hayes, and that didn’t end too well for the Seminoles. Tebow and the Gators are not going to forget Jones’ comments by the time the Hawaii Warriors travel to the swamp to play the Gators next year on August 30. Florida and Hawaii have never played each other in football. They are not conference rivals. If ever there was a game that might have been hard for the Gators to get up for it would have been this one, as Florida will most likely be heavily favored. I do not think motivation will be a problem now. Way to give a face to an anonymous foe, June.

The NFL has once again been hard at work earning the nickname the “No Fun League.” Ravens’ players were fined a total of $70,000 after their loss to the Patriots and Rodney Harrison of the Patriots was fined $5,000 for taunting Baltimore coach Brian Billick. Really? Five thousand dollars? For taunting? Don’t get me wrong, the league was justified in fining Baltimore’s Bart Scott for tossing a penalty flag into the stands, but they have long since gone overboard when it comes to fining players for words, motions and actions which pose no threat to anyone or to the integrity of the league. Fine players for late hits and dangerous play, not trash talk, not dancing and not arguing with an official. Speaking of integrity, a portion of those fines leveed against the Ravens were for questioning the integrity of the officiating and for verbally abusing an official. This was the same official that Samari Rolle accused of calling him “boy” repeatedly. If the players are disciplined for disrespecting the officials, shouldn’t something be done when the officials disrespect the players?

I am not a betting man, but if I was I would certainly take the 10 and a half points the Steelers are getting this week against the Patriots. The Patriots won their last two games against the Eagles and Ravens by three points each. The Steelers, unlike the Eagles and Ravens, are a good team. At 9-3 Pittsburgh is atop the AFC North. All three teams play good defense, particularly against the run, but Pittsburgh plays better defense than either of New England’s previous two opponents. In fact, the Steelers are number one in the NFL in total defense, and number one in the AFC in rush defense. The Ravens were able to keep the Patriots off the field with a strong running game, and the Steelers running game is better. It seems like the Patriots are not able to out muscle a physical team, and the age in the legs of their defense shows when they are not playing with a large lead. It would not surprise me if Pittsburgh wins this game; it would surprise if they lost by more than the spread.